Want Some Pheromones?

The scene: Sitting in a girlfriend’s apartment Saturday evening, sipping on some wine, listening to some tunes and getting ready for a house party (I know, people still have house parties at this age?)

As she doubled up on her mascara coat and I explained the misfortune of a powdered drink packet exploding in my Cole Haan purse, she casually strolls over and asks, “Want some pheromones?” I immediately broke into laughter. Not want a shot, want a hit, want some high gloss nail finish…but want some chemical stimulus to secretly secrete scents to lure men in? All bottled up in a little scientific vile with dropper?

Not one to turn down a new experience, she handed the bottle over. With a careful sniff, it appeared to merely smell like coconut. But surely hidden beneath this pleasantly tropical topical was a powerful attraction agent.

You can’t even imagine what my evening was like. As I entered the hazy smoke of the bonfire, clearly there was something going on. Men stopped in their tracks, mid-sentence to the perky blondes with blue eyeliner, unable to turn their gazes off of us. Drinks were abandoned. Like the zombies in “Thriller”, males felt the irresistible and unexplainable urge to hone in on us. It was a miracle! I was swatting them off left and right, waiting for the perfect specimen to catch my eye. Finally, after six men in polos and two financial advisors, I found him. Six feet tall, sparkling green eyes, an unassuming smile. He was on to the pheromones- too smart to let it outwit him. We locked eyes and instinctively both knew.

Of course that isn’t what happened.

I talked to three guys with girlfriends (because naturally the men not trying to schmooze women are the most interesting to converse with), had one guy tell me Virgos are bitches (I’m a Virgo), and realized I was perhaps too old for a house party.

Think I’ll stick to my natural pheromones.