Friday, February 6, 2009

Equal Opportunity Insults

I am a small girl. Always have been, always will be. I would fit particularly well into Asian countries, and my father once mistook me for a 14 year old girl running through the neighborhood when I was 25. At a cousin’s wedding, a waiter mistakenly set the child’s meal down in front of me until he saw my face and the two fisted champagne glasses. Point is…I get it. You actually don’t need to explain to me that I am smaller than you, because miraculously the 25 plus years of my life have proven enough time for me to draw such genius conclusions.

Nevertheless, people love to point out I’m small. The issue complicates as I tend to have some sort of optical illusion where observers don’t always notice at first. I’m quite proportionate, just on a smaller scale. Recently at a party a girl, who had met me several times, squealed out like she was discovering America, “Oh my Gawd! You are so small! Look at how small you are!” And then she went on and on and on. She wasn’t particularly insulting, but I’m never going to be the person who wants a room full of people sizing me up like I’m about to enter a dog show. I'm not in a beauty pageant asking for rating, I'm at a party trying to have some drinks and drown you out. You know what I didn’t squeal? “Oh my Gawd! Look at your gigantic thighs! You’re thighs are so big! You’re a freaking giant!” Because really, it’s the same thing. I’m declaring our differences. I’m calling it out for all to hear. But would this be socially acceptable? I’m going to gather not.

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