Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Beware! Stalkers Ahead

Once every couple of weeks I call a friend of mine and leave a message on the phone saying something along these lines:

“Mr. XXX called me and left a crazy message about putting a spell on me, so if I turn up murdered in the next week or so, it was probably him.”

I never really mark anyone off this list, as who knows what can happen. I want every suspect named. I would say the list is probably at least ten strong.

I’ve come to the point where I must ask myself, “Why do I end up with so many crazy stalkers? Is it me?”
An old college roommate used to joke that I had some sort of invisible sign that beaconed all crazies. I certainly don’t seek them out. I’m not hanging around mental wards waiting for discharges. But if there is a crazy man singing obscenities on the street corner, he is bound to stop and have a conversation with me. He may even propose to me. If there is a crazy, single, somewhat attractive man- he is bound to ask me out.

So I must wonder what it is I’m doing, and if there is a way I can emit this powerful non-verbal signal to David Duchovney? I am not one of those girls who endures the craziness thinking they’ll turn normal. No sir. As soon as the signs signal, I’m out. Well, except for the foreign professor, but he was one hot rubix cube of craziness.

Because of my vast experience in this realm, let me give you a few dead giveaways:
1. You allow him to speak to you at a bar for a few minutes, then turns angry when you won’t let him escort you home
2. He texts you after just meeting you. Three, four, five times without you answering. Then claims you’re ignoring him.
3. He calls you his girlfriend after 3.2 seconds on a first date
4. He claims you are a witch who has cast a spell over him
5. He tells you that “he’s doubled his medication, so he’s doing really well”

Good luck. That is, good luck having better luck than I do.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Couples Showers- Minus Half

One might say I have a very active wedding season. It’s kind of like a really fun, happy part-time job that I actually lose income on. Or, you could say one really long extended event with several wardrobe changes. Really, I am blessed to be a part of all this wedded bliss, so do not take anything I say on the offense. This is purely relaying facts for clarification purposes.

As we all know, most weddings include a basic lineup of events that neatly line up on the very important Wedding Timeline. One of these is the shower (or showers if you are a bridesmaid). Here the gaggle of girls snack on food, hopefully drink wine if the organizer has any sense at all, talk about babies and color schemes and Crate & Barrel, and watch the bride open loads of presents she pretends to be excited about but already knows you bought because she checks her registry status online all day (some of us load up on wine during this part). But usually these things are just fun excuses for girls to get together and gossip. So I thought.

Recently, I was thrown off guard. I was invited to a Couples Shower.
I, am not a part of a “couple”. So….what does this mean exactly? Now not only must I be enveloped by soon to be married or already married people for the entire summer and fall, but I am also not demographically acceptable for a shower? Should I pack my bags and move to a monastery where I belong?

I must give the organizer a little credit though- he did put on the invitation the following:
“If you can’t round up a date, that’s fine, still come!”

I wonder if there is a special goody bag for us poor souls who can’t round up a random date. Perhaps the mismatched plates the bride will replace from her registry? In that case, I’m all on board. Don’t worry, I’ll sit out during couple’s charades.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


It’s kind of typical isn’t it? Twentysomething girl starts a project, something she’s really passionate about, then gets majorly detoured and that passion project is a mere memory. Soon she wakes up and she’s 35 with two children, a job, and lots of instant frozen dinners and she glazes over while watching Desperate Housewives reruns and thinks to herself, “What might have been had I kept up with that damn blog?”

Well, thankfully that’s not me, because that sounds terrible. But I did watch 3 episodes in a row of The Next Food Network Challenge while drinking my chocolate avocado hemp shake and decided that I must start up my blog again!

I really do have a valid excuse for my detour. No, I didn’t get married. No, I didn’t have children. I am still fundamentedly stuck in my horrible rotten no good very bad terrible twenties. I did, however, finally end my abusive relationship. I had been beaten up daily for the past four years, and finally I severed ties. With my job.

I know being a television producer for a home shopping network sounds like all glitz and glamour and Susan Lucci, but believe me…it’s not all that. When it came to the point that I was staring at my phone and screaming obscenities while seriously contemplating voodoo and hiding behind doors and ignoring voicemails for days on end and dreaming of vodka all day long, I realized I had hit rock bottom.

So now I have a new job with it’s own “special” qualities. For instance, one fellow employee, appropriately nicknamed The Creeper, sits in a dark office all day while randomly shouting thoughts out for all to hear. But after some inner healing and respite, I am back to my in depth analysis of why life seems to not make sense EVER and why I am not living a life like Nicole Richie. And I will not be detoured again. I will not be outblogged by Jessica Biel.

Coming soon: An update on stalkers and why it’s very probable I will be kidnapped and locked in a dungeon in Transalvania and 10 Reasons I’m a Horrible Bridesmaid/Wedding Guest.