Monday, June 29, 2009

Where There is a Down, There is Always an Up

I know, I know. These blogs have gotten rather depressing in nature. But life is certainly not always rainbows and butterflies. You know it and I know it.

The itsy bitsy good news in a breakup- at least you get skinny, right? The inability to consume solids will make summer fashions much more fun. Maybe I'll even buy a short mini skirt and cowboy boots.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Why Can't Breakups Be Like The Movies?

Breakups are bad. Really bad. Unfortunately I am an expert in the field at the moment.  While the circumstances surrounding the breakup were definitely of cinema quality (involving women who are not me and half naked, punches, a house trashed with liquor, lots of sobbing) the end isn't tidy and sweet like any movie I've seen. In fact, I don't understand why if I have to endure movie-like tragedies and heartache I can't have a freaking sappy good ending. Instead I lay listless, dazed & confused, staring at my wall wondering if anything is what I thought it was. If I was put on this earth to be the stomping ground for others. If living alone on an island isn't a bad idea. Or being a total drug addict. Maybe both.

I do look the part of the heartbroken movie character. I stare off into space, I haven't eaten in days and not sure if I ever want to again, and I don't even really want to move. Nothing feels right, everything is off, it's like I'm wandering through a bad bad dream with terrible images. But unlike the movies, there's no funny gay sidekick telling me I'm all that. My friends are probably spraying themselves with bad luck repellent right now in hopes my piles of misfortune don't follow them into their homes. And it isn't a dream- each morning I wake up like Groundhogs Day reminding how much I feel like complete crap. How getting the shit kicked out of me would feel better.

Last, but certainly not least, the ending is nowhere near a cute romantic comedy ending. Movies have us believe everything always works out in the end. The cute leading lady burnt by love has either the man who hurt her or another hot man in her life screaming down the streets, "I love you! I can't live my life without you!" and she knows she is loved and they kiss and everything is as it should be. Carrie forgives Big for being a selfish jerk because he knows he can't love anyone else like her. If they played my story at the movies nobody would ever go to a movie again. Girl gets hurt and is the victim, girl finds out she's not worth fighting for, nobody is claiming life will suck without her. Girl gets handed over gladly to the mass of horny men waiting for fresh pretty meat. The men of my movie are crackin' beers and looking for the next leading lady. I'm Jennifer Aniston in real life. 

Maybe the end of my movie will be good someday. Maybe there will be a leading man who would never hurt me and thinks life is better with me. But I'd like it to happen in the next 20 minutes before I melt into the ground from my own tears. I want a new romantic comedy. One with a happy ending.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

In Dedication to Farrah

We are selfish beings. Day to day we live for ourselves, look in the mirror and wonder about all that we have and all that we can get. Our inner dialogue reigns our brain, leads our actions. We eat life up with hunger for gratification. The people in our lives, the instances that choreograph our every day, they all revolve around feeding our greedy mouths. This is the human nature. But once and awhile there are people who demonstrate complete love for others, who are different, who seem to be put on this earth so the rest of us can learn what "its all about."

This was my mother. 

This is not a sad blog. Not a sappy blog. But a sarcastic look at reality with the shade of humorous sunglasses. If you can't laugh at life's ridiculousness than you're doomed. But as the bully masks insecurity, the loud mouth masks something deeper. The sunglasses came off as I watched Farrah Fawcett's documentary on her struggle through cancer and was touched and thankful she could bring the memory of my mother back. I relived my past as Farrah's story unfolded mimicking the cancer story of my mother. And I felt ashamed for my own self despair, my own selfish pains. My mother fought to live not for herself but for others. I feel a loss for those who will never experience a person like her.

So, thank you mother and thank you Farrah for reminding me.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Black Thursday

Michael Jackson dead.
Farrah Fawcett dead (along with my inner Farrah).
And I had my heart torn into pieces and thrown in the trash. 

What a horrible rotten no good very bad day yesterday was. 

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Why Doesn't Karma Work Once and Awhile?

People are always talking about karma, but I hate to say, I'm not so sure it works. 

We tell ourselves good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. When someone does something horrible we automatically respond with, "They'll feel sorry sooner or later. Karma will catch them." But come on, does it really? And will they ever really feel sorry? They wouldn't have done the terrible thing in the first place if they were concerned about consequences or feelings. I've seen them- they laugh it off like a joke. It's like a star on their shoulder for another person duped. And everyday people go on doing hurtful things and escape without a bruise or a ting in their heart. Does it somehow get back to them? I'm not seeing it. And if so, shouldn't those who were hurt get proof of that? Wouldn't that complete the cycle?

And on the opposite, why do bad things happen to good people? When someone hurts us terribly, the first thing we wonder is, "Why me? What have I done to deserve this?" So we get hurt and question ourselves on top of it. I have never in my life tried to hurt someone or cause someone pain, but somehow I've been getting my share of hits lately. What do I have to do, become a nun? Did I do something in a past life? Can a psychic fix this? Geez. Drop me some good ju-ju once an awhile. Or at least send a lighting bolt to those harmful people in my path dear karma Gods. 

Monday, June 22, 2009

Surprise Parties are Good- You Should Throw One

People have mixed feelings about surprise parties. Seems you either love 'em or hate 'em- but after attending one this past weekend, I've come to the conclusion if you don't like a surprise party you are a rigid, cranky human being. Lighten up!

Some years back an ex-boyfriend of mine's parents attempted to throw him a surprise 30th birthday party. Gigantically bad idea. A man of privacy and stubbornness does not make the ideal surprisee. To make matters worse, his mother called his law firm's secretary to find the email addresses of all his coworkers. Lets just say I just hid in a corner during the planning, as I knew an eruption of anger was about to occur. He found out about it the day before- immediately called me and demanded to know if I was involved in such a crime (I insisted I had nothing to do with it) and then called his mother and made her cancel. And, made her cry. Not a pretty situation.

I had a surprise party thrown for me when I turned 20. My friends in college took me to dinner, and as we approached our home I saw people crowded on the porch. They screamed, "Surprise!" and we all enjoyed keg beer and jello shots. Totally surprised. I am a woman of control and planning- so while I was embarrassed by the attention, by golly I was flattered. How can you not be? It's hard enough to get someone to smile at you, let alone take time out of their Facebook creeping to plan an event in your honor.

And, in the case of the party I attended this past weekend, the man of the hour did seem stunned for a bit. He admitted to feeling a bit duped, wondering how it was even possible to get something by him? But eventually he accepted the downfall of his superior receptiveness and relished in friends & family. 

Thus I've decided the surprise party is a circle of good karma. They make people happy, which should make you happy. You should throw one. Just not for a lawyer.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

When You're The Back Up Plan

Planning weekends is a big deal. The majority of us sit strapped to a desk for 40+ hours a week staring at the blinking red lights of phone messages piling up, screaming at emails wishing people would stop cc'ing your boss, and yet all of this is possible with the glimmering hope of a weekend. You carefully craft a schedule, with back-up plans situated in case something should go awry. For instance: Friday you will have a date night with your boyfriend unless he decides last minute to go to happy hour at 3:30pm and will be completely intoxicated & drooling by the time he sees you- then you do plan B, which is a dinner some friends planned after you had made plans. Because weekends are so precious, you expect the unexpected and plan for. I do get rather annoyed if things don't go as planned, thus I curtail extreme annoyance by planning for failure. 

But what really sucks is when you realize YOU are the back-up plan. When someone clearly would rather do Plan A or Plan B- but will make plans with you just in case they both fall through. You know what I'm talking about. 

You're on the phone with your friend, asking, "So, want to hang out tonight?" 
She pauses, you can hear the calculation in her head. 
She responds, "Um, well, I don't know. I mean, I want to, but let me see what Joe is doing. I'm not sure what he's up to, so you know...but if I can't get a hold of him in the next 2 hours, then maybe."

Okay. So she'll do something with you if Joe doesn't want to do something. Maybe. So you're suppose to wait around on the front step with your bag in the anticipation that maybe she'll want to hang out with you. Nothing like being second choice. Nothing like being the old standby just in case she can't garner up something good to do.

I guess all we can do is make ourselves our first choice. That way if we push ourselves into second choice- it's on purpose. Unless you're blessed enough to only be surrounded by a circle of people who all put each other first. Let me know- I'll join that cult. For now, I'll vow to not make someone (at least aware) that they are my second choice.

Is Playboy Classy?

Recently it has been announced that fame whore Heidi Pratt from MTV's "The Hills" will be posing for Playboy. Shocker. Everything she does she is posing. The funny thing about this decision is she also claims to be the utmost devotee of Christian religion and often cites her chastity in the name of her God. Somehow Playboy and ardent religious follower don't mesh properly in my mind. When questioned, she insists she's "a new Christian, and that Playboy is classy."

Playboy is classy?

I have nothing wrong with magazines such as Playboy- art is certainly different to all. Uses of art are different to all. But I am willing to bet there is not one male that opens his monthly mag to exclaim of a naked lady lounging on satins sheets, "Wow, that's one classy lady!" Or a group of guys hanging around bring out the newest Playboy and discuss how along with GQ and Vanity Fair, they feel the mag brings classy culture into their lives. I am thinking the audience is looking at Playboy for an entirely different rationale. Which brings me to wonder the logic in little Miss Heidi's peroxide seeped brain. 

Men in the cyber audience- I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Speaking of Bromances...

...Arrive to find a half eaten pot of tator tot casserole, empty ice cream bowls in the sink, and two bros lying side-by-side in bed watching Ironman. And this was after a lovely sunset motorcycle ride across the city. 

That's one Kate Hudson away from being an Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller movie.

Friday, June 12, 2009

I Am Really Glad You Groom, But I Don't Want to Watch

I've written about public grooming in the past, but I believe I witnessed something new today. While driving to create a healthy and satisfying salad at the Whole Foods salad bar, I glanced to the car next to me to see a woman plucking her eyebrows as she drove her sedan.

One, this is dangerous to all involved. Think of the ugliness if she got rear-ended? Is removing a stray hair worth the possibility of losing your vision? Of a tweezer stuck in your frontal lobe? And not to mention the fact that driving requires one to be looking at the road, not a magnified mirror.

Two, WE CAN SEE YOU. And we don't want to see you doing anything pertaining to hair. It's so unbelievable and gross. Do I have to make a Public Service Announcement? Do we need police enforcement? You can't tell me going 5 miles over the speed limit is more dangerous than a woman operating a vehicle while staring into her hair follicles. There are these things, they're called bathrooms, and they're everywhere. Use them. Of course the person grooming while driving is obviously not good with time allocation and probably uses bathrooms only to talk on cell phones.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

A Girl, Her Ex-Boyfriend and Current Boyfriend Walk Into A Bar...

To the fearful and faint of heart, hanging out with an ex-boyfriend and having your current boyfriend come to meet you out would be a preposterous idea. I mean really. Can a scenario like this end in a conclusion not worthy of a Jerry Springer episode? But no, I did not cower at the impossible. I actually like my ex (well, this one anyway) and in my head believed my current boyfriend would like him too.

I did, however, not approach this out of complete "it's all about me" attitude. I thought about the situation had the tables been turned. Do I want to meet my boyfriend's ex girlfriends? Not one bit. I don't need to see the girl he dated for two years that never left empty shampoo bottles in the shower like I do. Do I need to see one of them looks like an exotic bikini model? No, no I do not. I am perfectly happy in my ignorance. But in my situation, this ex of mine was FOREVER ago. He had serious things and I had serious things after our relationship that placed a heavy curtain blocking our fuzzy past. Last summer he came as my beard date to half a dozen weddings. We talk in depth about internet dating and give each other advice. I think of girls to set him up  with.  With all this- I truly believed my ex and current could meet in harmony.

Did this happen?

Lets just say afterwards my boyfriend informed me that "my ex is cool and I have his blessing to keep him as my friend." Then, my ex emailed today telling me my "boyfriend seems really cool and hopefully we can get him on the broomball team." 

So this could turn into a Jerry Springer afterall! It's called: Left in Tears! Ex boyfriend and Current Boyfriend Run Off Together!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Why Can't Priorities Be A Paradigm?

Things get all shifty as you get older.

Together with old co-workers last night, we spoke abundantly about the insane hours our employer insisted we keep. Employees who put in 8 hour days were like C students- you're just getting by, but could definitely be in danger of failing. If you were on-call at all times, coming in at 2am no matter what and then arriving back at 7am for another full day, now that was a B+ student. They didn't give A's out. But basically the employer insisted that a successful worker bee put work in the #1 slot on their life priority list. Family, hobbies, dogs, sleep, the chance to keep a good personal hygiene schedule- those were all to be pushed aside for work. With a smile. I admit, for awhile there I was in a place where work could be #1 and I didn't mind. 

But what gets annoying is when your priority list doesn't seem to match up with everything else in your life. When suddenly your priorities shift, and the circumstances and people around you don't. When I was working 65 hour weeks while taking care of a cancer stricken mother, well, I saw my priorities jumble down into a jigsaw puzzle. If I put cancer mom #1, move boyfriend to #2, then work to #3...well, it just didn't work so well. Nobody else cared nor were happy I needed to change things around.

And of course, work is just one example. If only we could collect everyone and every important element in our lives, hold hands and all shift around together in happy bliss, life would be so much easier. But instead I move up a latter, something else moves down. My latter gets shorter, another latter gets pulled out from under me. Why can't everyone just think like me?


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

First Time I've Missed High School Since High School

Last night I had the opportunity to attend a high school graduation ceremony. It's been some time since I've been to one of these. My own is still a distant memory- I can remember the specifics. I remember the sunset, the fact that many in my class did not realize I am one half a twin until that day, the candy necklace my friends and I donned, and the Abercrombie & Fitch cords I wore. Do I remember what I felt? Most likely elation. No matter where you are in life, it's always nice to feel free from a boundary. Whether you know that boundary is the safest thing you'll ever know or not. But I knew and felt college and the beyond held great things. 

As I watched the teens and noticed their perma-grins, I realized I was feeling nostalgic. I envied them a bit. How wonderful to be at the cross line, looking back to the equally easy and tough years of high school and ahead to the excitement of an entire future. That blind vision of a future can hold so much. But what I didn't realize then was as boundaries disappear, the scarier the future becomes. 4 years of college (4.5 for some) disappear, plans to go to grad school halt, and suddenly you're working. And then what? For some get married and have children I guess- but that's a rather loose timeline. Those years, those boundaries that suffocated freedom of time now look more like safety nets. It's a free fall from here- nobody's telling us where to go or where to be. No more agenda.

As I trudged through the excited grads and proud families to get out back into my reality, I heard a group of teen boys point in my direction and comment, "She's kinda cute."

Ah, maybe we aren't that different after all.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Deep Thoughts By Girl Twentiesh

"Life is like a pendulum- as soon as you get some momentum, it swings back and hits you smack dab on the head unconscious." 

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Best Thing Ever Said About Speidi

Heidi. Spencer. The most annoying twosome to ever roam the earth in the history of the world. Well, they're on an equally annoying reality show "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here" in which c-list celebs do some sort of survivor competition. I care more about avoiding hangnails then I do about this show. Apparently the blonde bimbos have repeatedly "quit" the show and then returned. Personally I wish they'd "quit" being visible to anyone at all and live in the Amazon. But some good has come out of this unfortunate television programming decision- possibly the best quote EVER on Heidi & Spencer. 

As taken from, NBC's EVP of Alternative Programing said:

"They are everything that's wrong with America…they are insincere, lazy, entitled and they claim the devil has possessed them. They are back and this time they are contrite…yeah right.

What they don't realize is that they are now going to be examined and their value system utterly deconstructed. They are going to spend the night somewhere in isolation and guarded with lots of surprises…but not traditional reality [stunts].

These people really are going to bare their souls."

I'm making tee-shirts. SPEIDI: Everything that's wrong with America.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

How To Tell If Your Boyfriend is in a "Bromance"

There are all kinds of trends for dudes these days- metrosexuals, actual waxing of the unibrow, those stupid hats Justin Timberlake and Jake Gyllenhal wear, and now "Bromances." This is when a man and his male friend have a tighter relationship than most romantic relationships, but they are not supposedly sexually attracted to each other. Some bromances I've seen I'd have to concur...

Girlfriends get pissy about bromances. She'll notice her boyfriend will drop anything, even his current Nintendo Wii game, to give his bro a hand. He'll gladly help his bro move apartments for the 18th time, but if she asks him to help her carry a bag up the stairs he looks at her like she's asking for a kidney.  He'll talk on the phone for hours with his bro about virtually nothing, but he'll only send her text messages. He'll get all maniac if his bro is wronged by another bro and they'll strategize revenge like they're plotting a Russian coup- if she tells him about a girlfriend stabbing her in the back he'll roll his eyes and turn the volume on the tv up. It is what it is.

How can you tell if your boyfriend is in a bromance? Once again I defer to the ever knowledgeable for their expert clues on how to tell if your boyfriend is involved in an affair, I mean bromance, with his best male bud (along with my arguments to their findings):

1. He has more nicknames for his best guy friend then you. Do you really want nicknames from your boyfriend? You want to be called "Beefeater"? I think we can agree that this simply does not matter in the least bit. Nickname away bros. 

2. When you suggest a double date, he says, "Great, you go out with Suzy, and Bill and I will catch the game. You're a total pushover if he says this, or, he's completely ignorant and you should dump him anyway. And, who has friends named Suzy?

3. He went to see I Love You Man twice, and cried. There are no crying scenes in this movie- so he's either getting his period or going through a really rough time. 

4. They have at least two identical looking outfits. Get off Us and help your boyfriend buy some clothes! He evidently had to ask his bro who wears ringer tees everyday for fashion advice. Bad girlfriend!

5. During your wedding, his pal pulls you aside and says, "Take good care of him for me,     okay?"  He wants to make sure you still allow him to drink at least three whiskeys a night for the rest of your life. 

6. He spends more time getting ready for his bro night out than for your Friday night date. If he's your boyfriend, he no longer takes you out on Friday night dates. That went out the door after Week 2.

7. They have an anthem that they famously dub "our song." It's called the lyrics to every Will Ferrell movie ever made.

8. They take 10 minutes to tell the "hilarious" story of when they met (again). It probably was hilarious- puking on each other at a college party or dated the same psycho chick or pretending to be lifeguards when they were really only checking out female anatomy.

9. You finally earn enough airline miles to go on an anniversary trip and he says, "Cool, Dave and I can go to Vegas!" Not ever going to happen. He would not tell you about a trip to Vegas until 20 minutes before his flight, or, not at all. He'd lie and say he was going to North Dakota.

10. He answers his buddy's call...while you and he are getting romantic together. He apparently doesn't value getting romantic- dump him.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Issue of Getting Old is All About Prevention

The other night I was with some friends watching a band who happened to attract an older crowd. While our little group ranged from mid-thirties to mid-twenties, surrounding us were the 45+ crowd. I honestly didn't make much of it, besides the shock of seeing a real eighties perm. And not just a perm, but the poodle kind that looked like a helmet. There we were, millenials drinking with the baby boomers. While the baby boomers danced and checked their pagers on their belts (I swear I saw a pager), we had a photo shoot rivaling senior year prom. You really need to keep up on your Facebook pictures apparently. 

As we semi danced to a Janis Joplin cover song (whether fifty or twenty, Janis bridges all generational gaps) my friend gazed absentmindedly over the crowd and muttered, "God, I don't ever want to be old." The fear, the disgust in her revelation was frightening. Because, as my mother always said, "it's better than the alternative". 

I turned to her pointedly and said, "You are old." Whoa, she didn't like that.
"Then I'm going to go out like James Dean," she replied. Those were fightn' words.
"You're already too old." I pointed out.

In a huff the subject was dropped. Okay, yes, looking around at the crowd I can see why one might be fearful of being old. I don't want to be the older woman in a bar and stuck with the same high school hairstyle I've been sporting for thirty years that I don't seem to notice is not like anything besides old photographs. If no celebrity (be it athlete, actress, whatever) has something resembling your hairstyle- it's probably time to update. But knowing is half the battle! It's preventative oldness- taking the correct measures to be sure you can age with dignity and class. And then once you get through those 40's-50's-60's, you're golden. Once you're really up there nobody gives a sh*t about what you do, and you shouldn't either.

On that subject, maybe I should start wearing some eye cream...