Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Dear October 2009: You Have 4 Days To Redeem Yourself

Oct 2009 has not been my month. Paradoxically it has been my month in some ways. Let me explain...

Well, there isn't much to explain.

October 2009 will forever go down as October Evil 09' in the history of my life. Look for t-shirts at your local Hot Topic. This after that after this and I'm starting to believe October has something against me. After all, this month has sucked for me for the last 5 years, so I'm not being dramatic here (I will spare you the rundown of how each individual October has pitched me with a devil fork). I think next October I'll take a month vacation in attempt to break the hex. Then I could at least blame Amsterdam and loose laws.

The odd part is that some really cool, good, widely appealing things have also happened this month. Some fantastic things. Maybe these "things" seem much more wonderful when compared to the bad, but heck, I'll take it. I'm living a teeter-totter of bad versus good experiences and I can't decide which is winning. I am determined to make these last lingering days count.

For humor and reflection, I'll list some sound bites/impressions/commentaries directed my way this month which still hang in my mind:

1. You are the galaxy's trashcan
2. I've been sick and I blame you (from the janitor cleaning my office)
3. Um yeah, I think you could use some highlights
4. You sound pathetic
5. If you die, don't sue me (which would be hard considering I'd be dead)

Friday, October 23, 2009

I'd Love to Blog But...

For the ultimate in excuse list building,
I've been enjoying:

1. The H1N1. Super fun. Sexy too. People stare be down in public like they're going to stake me.
2. Endless work in real life
3. Unexpected family emergencies
4. Traffic
5. Wine and vodka withdrawal

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A Rear View Mirror for My Personal Blind spot?

How does one get rid of their personal blind spot? The things that everybody else sees but you don't? With driving it's easy. If you miscalculate something in your blind spot, well, often you hit it. Hopefully you can avoid collision by a passenger warning you or dutiful checking of all mirrors from all angles. There are tried and true ways of getting around the driving blind spot- because we all know it's there.

In life though, it's not as easy. Something may be happening to you that you are completely blind to. Everyone else can see it- they may even try to tell you- but there's no handy mirror to shine the truth in your face. They could be screaming in your face, warning you of the danger, and still you are incapable of seeing what they see. And in many cases, you have no chance to see it until CRASH you've been hit. Damage done. Insurance premiums up. Rehabilitation time helps, acting as the hands putting together the puzzle of truth. But again, this happens in recovery. I'm looking for preventative measures. A personal rear view mirror alerting me to sneaky dangers I best swerve away from.

Just a thought.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Thanks H1N1 for Ruining My Weekend

2 boxes of Sudafed and 3 bags of throat lozenges later, I believe I'm ready to admit this may not be a cold. This "thing" has really put a damper on my life. As in making me unable to do anything. 5 days of unproductive weakness wishing I could just go into a coma until it's all over. How about that modern medicine? Why not a temporary coma shot when the flu attacks us? That, would be useful.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Facebook is Meaner Than High School

Have you ever thought about how mean Facebook is? It's the ultimate clique! When people send me a friend request and I question 1) Who are they? 2) Why do they want to be my friend?-I'm enveloped by a huge sense of guilt if I don't accept their friendship. It's easier to just avoid someone in person without the big denial of "ignore this friend request." Maybe they won't notice, but then again, maybe they have a voodoo doll of me to punish my denial. I do have a pretty bad earache and fever today...suspect....very suspect. H1N1? Nope, Facebook retaliation.

Then there is the whole relationship status issue. This just goes way too far. Nobody needs to know if I'm in a relationship, single, dating three people, a hermit, a polygamist, etc. And nobody needs to know how often this changes. If you are in a committed relationship and don't "declare" on Facebook, then your significant other thinks you're hiding something! It's a lose lose situation. But when it doesn't work out because he started an emotional affair with one of your other Facebook friends via your wall- your whole network gets to witness you breaking up.

Of course there is the option of not using Facebook at all. Why complain about something I can change? But not using Facebook is like not having a phone. Society will shun me and I'll no longer have any friends at all. I just want everyone to get along, be nice, and not be personally humiliated. And, not be tagged in unflattering photos.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Single Girls Do Not Want to Steal Your Boyfriend

It's come to my attention recently that single girls raise the security level up to red in mixed social situations. And I feel discriminated against.

Contrary to what you may believe, I have zero interest in stealing your boyfriend. Because of my single status, I do not believe I should be quarantined away from all males just so you can feel safe. I act no differently to friendly males when in or out of a relationship. In fact, I suck at flirting even with men I like, so my being within 30 ft of your boyfriend is not going to cause some sort of outbreak of crazy single girl hormones poisoning the men around her.

Another reason I'm not going to steal your boyfriend? He's your boyfriend. Used goods are not appealing. Nor is being the flavor of the day. Nor are weak men. There is not one attractive reason to burglarizing a boyfriend. I'll pay full in cash, thank you. And I don't buy fakes. Just because I am not in a Facebook announced committed relationship does not mean I don't have my own things going on anyway. Please. Being jealous over harmless, goofy girls is so 1998.

Monday, October 12, 2009

I Am Ok Today

Sometimes it's an amazing moment to really realize that I'm okay. I really am. And yesterday I felt an epiphany on how very happy I am. Stresses and mishaps and disappointments can muddle everything up to convince me life is cloudy. Yet yesterday in the solitude of crisp air and a serene 4 mile run I realized how content I am. Life is not bad when the clouds clear. Not bad at all. Call it fall sentimentality, but I am very blessed to have a ridiculously large and loving family. Nephews and a niece that squeal with excitement to see me. Grandparents I completely admire. Friends who bring laughter and years of understanding me. Random sprinklings of people that come through to make life interesting. Red wine. Pretty good hair. And when I hear the news of an old high school friend dying tragically in a car crash...I can't help but cherish all that I have today. What I have is so much more than what I don't.

Today, I am ok.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

When a Stranger Says Something and You Pretend You Don't Hear

I'm a horrible person.

The other day after a rather harrowing trip to Target in search for classy but appropriate appetizer ideas and nice fall colored napkins for a small party, I was in no mood to talk. Kept changing my mind on the appetizers and the napkins looked like a first grader designed them. After more than an hour in that store, I walked out to find darkness, rain and cold. Of course I could only remember the general direction of my car, not the specific area. So I made my mad dash in hopes of miraculously landing in front of my car when a guy behind me exclaimed loudly,

"Wow! If it was any colder it'd be snowing!"

Was he talking to me? Because he said it like he was waiting for a response. Only clearly I did not look like a conversational person running beeline through a packed parking lot cursing that my car couldn't locate me rather than the other way around. There didn't seem to be anyone around me he could have been talking to. And he was kinda close behind me. I glanced in my peripheral and found no one to take the blame for the very awkward and heavy silence following his non-returned comment.

Alas, I found my car. As I opened the door I took a sneak peak at the stranger still quite close behind, and yup, sure enough he was talking to me. He huddled up in his coat and soaking beard and ignored me right back. And now I'm that mean person who is too self absorbed to take a moment to chat with a stranger.

But come on...talking about the weather? How cliche.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself

I had to post this little bit of genius found in the New York Times yesterday.
Writer Benedict Carey, in the opening paragraph of his October 5th article "How Nonsense Sharpens the Intellect", wrote the following:

"In addition to assorted bad breaks and pleasant surprises, opportunities and insults, life serves up the occasional pink unicorn."

How fitting of a life descriptive! Isn't that what this living thing is all about? Bad breaks, surprises, happiness and doldrums- and those very odd moments that really make you wonder if living kind is one big joke. Or a TV show ala "The Truman Show" some other species watches to mock us and our ridiculousness.

And, if you read the rest of the article, I like the suggestion that my accumulation of oddities and unexplainables makes me smarter.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Signs You're Going Through a Breakup

You know you're going through a breakup when....

1. You find yourself listening to Jordin Sparks "Love is a Battlefield" and imagining yourself as the main character in the music video. I'm getting my armor Jordin. I'm getting it.

2. You make fast friends with a 60 year old who is going through his second divorce. Kindred spirits.

3. You no longer eat meals, because you remember it was your ex who reminded you to eat.

4. You're making plans with the neighbor boys for "winter activities"- including sledding, shooting a music video, Balderdash, and bowling.

5. You'll probably actually read a book this weekend. Yup. Read a book this weekend. Paint a giant L on my forehead if you'd like, but I like reading and am standing up for it now.

6. You like work. Really like work. Because he was never at your work, so you can't miss him there.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Thank You Crazy Man At The Bar

Dear Crazy Man At The Bar,
I want to thank you crazy man. While others may fear you, run away, scoff at your ludicrous stories- I, however, feel blessed by your presence. Yesterday when I took that bar stool at 4:30 in the afternoon , I could not know you would sit next to me. When you told stories and lied about everything you were (37 rich and retired from a "secret" job you weren't at liberty to reveal) it brought great joy to a day that brought me great pain. While you, crazy man, showed me your giant gold cross and explained your Italian Roman Catholic beliefs (although you appeared of middle eastern dissent) and I made fun of your lies straight to your face, you did not falter. And that, crazy man at the bar, was really funny. And when you showed me your hospital logo embroidered pull over as "evidence" of your secret medical job and I wondered if wearing Hudson jeans made the world think I was the designer, you barely even noticed my mocking. Crazy man, when you left to find good wholesome farm girls in St. Paul bars, please know that you made me laugh when I did not know I could laugh. You crazy man at the bar, you of all people, made me feel better when my heart was breaking. At a bar in the early cold evening of a Sunday.

Girl Twentiesh

Friday, October 2, 2009

The First Step to Navigating the Bar Scene Single Again

Very recently I've become 2-1 = me. Which to the greater society lends me the heavy label Girl Single. A silent tattoo for the world to judge. I can get into that another time. Religious readers may be confused. For now I'm focusing on my baby steps back into the world as a loner: the bar scene.


I love to go out. But we all know what happens when you go out. Single or not- you're "in the scene" and out there for people to size you up. I prefer the warm and cozy protection of knowing I'm taken. How easy is it to turn someone down when the first thing you say is, "I have a boyfriend." But now I have to navigate alone, shield less. Of course I can come up with my own ammunition, like an old one I used to use, "I really hate small talk." But, unless I want to be single forever, I have to actually talk to people. I'm just so terribly bad at the entire game! And it doesn't help when the first guy to make his move strikes, surely I'll imagine my ex doing the exact same thing to some girl in another bar. Ouch (of course she won't be nearly as cute). I know some girls dream of going out at flirting with single guys- those girls are married. Flirting for one day is an experiment, flirting for 2 years is a chore.

But, tonight is the night. It can't be delayed much longer. As soon as I enter that bar I will be officially coming out as Girl Single. I may only last an hour. Or I may drink 4 glasses of wine in 20 minutes. One can only guess at my coping strategy. I will try to stay strong. Baby steps. This will take awhile to navigate again- and God knows- I'm horrible with directions.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

In Case You're Wondering, MSN Solves Breakup Blues By Zodiac

Thank goodness for MSN and their trusty relationship advice! While reading the often disappointing msn.com homepage this morning for something to catapult my day into production, I was so very relieved to find out that I can learn how to survive a breakup by my zodiac sign! So, not only can "What's your sign?" be the conduit into a relationship, but your pathway out.

Here are some tidbits of the genius insight they have found:

ARIES: Your pride is hurt, you yell a lot. Basically you freak out. They suggest your friends just let you. Sure they'll stick around for support while you're going bat-shit.

TAURUS: Major trauma for you- you won't handle it well. You're supposed to try and be like an Aries. Don't be yourself and you'll be just fine.

GEMINI: You hate when things aren't "normal"- you're supposed to multitask. They suggest scrapbooking. Good idea, scrapbook all the photos of you and your boyfriend who dumped you. That'll make ya feel good.

CANCER: They suggest "showing your ex that life goes on!"- that's right - revenge! Get really drunk and flaunt yourself at every bar you know he frequents. You won't look stupid at all.

LEO: Proud Leo's need to celebrate with a bottle of wine. Drinking is a fantastic way to forget about the pain for a couple years.

VIRGO: They suggest to be logical- the person was deadweight. Act like nothing happened. Yeah Virgo! Continue to sequester your feelings like you've done your whole life and further alienate yourself from the world.

LIBRA: Apparently Libra's break-up a lot because of indecisiveness, so they suggest to just party and forget about it. Good advice- never making any decision and pushing it under the carpet as "habit" is a fantastic way to move on! How attractive for the next person.

SCORPIO: Apparently Scorpio's turn breakups into massive regrets and beat themselves to a pulp over it. They suggest you "pretend it never happened"- it'll surely be easy to forget your 3 year relationship with meth or something. It'll be like it never happened!

SAGITTARIUS: Apparently you lucky Sag need to actually feel the breakup because you'll be a better person. Be careful though, as they suggest you may become Bipolar.

CAPRICORN: You prefer in life to be part of a relationship- so once your heart is broken, they suggest you go to an event you'd usually go with an ex alone. Perfect. Then you can see your ex with his new girlfriend and you'll feel so much better. And he won't think you're stalking him either.

AQUARIUS: This is the best. You're supposed to "provide yourself a safe place" so no one can see you hysterical. Basically suggesting rehab or a mental institution- you might want to pre-book.

PISCES: You really are the lucky sign, as "your soul knows the truth." You're supposed to "do what you want to do- not what you think you want to do." Sounds super easy. Get a lobotomy, stop thinking, and let your soul lead the way.

If you're interested in reading the full article so you can get even more helpful breakup tips....