Sunday, December 27, 2009

Goodbye Terrible Twenties, Hello Terrible Whatever Comes Next

I obviously had no clue what I was doing when I started this blog. I think this is pretty clear.

For the most part I couldn't believe nor conceive the ludicrousness making up my twenties. So callow I had been to think after college life would unfold neatly into a pretty little row of experiences making up adulthood. As if college were a right of passage into a saner life- because truthfully- I never had a simple life. I've been running this never ending obstacle course through a circus freak show the whole way through. Sob story, I know. And if I can remember correctly my motivation for beginning this blog was in thinking I could not possibly be the only person out there believing much of this is just plain ridiculous (one of my grossly overused descriptors). And I'm a written word loud mouth with tons of use(less)ful opinions.

Personally I can use this blog as a historical reference. Not so easy to forget things when you have it conveniently recorded in the infinite Internet. Some of my posts even living infamously in my real life- the resulting danger of having anyone who knows you read your freely expressed thoughts. My attempt was to keep things in humor 90% of the time as this is all meant to be laughable, despite the times I couldn't manage a chuckle. Those instances flopped self-indulgently like the sitcom that tried to become a drama.. But believe me- there was an edit function. Tons of posts not published of things I really wanted to say but logic told me were not appropriate for my audience. Particularly the part of the audience who lives in my life with me. Blogs are dangerously easy tools to point out the truth of the matter, as when you write something down it becomes so vividly honest.

Although it certainly doesn't appear I had any semblance of rules or formality or reason to anything I've done here, I did promise myself something when I began. A tiny set of criteria. And I told myself that once one of these criteria became true- it would be time to end the blog about my horrible rotten no good very bad terrible twenties. I'm not generally one to follow the rules, but in this instance, I must oblige. Time to wrap it up. Wish I could tell you it was because suddenly I found my Oz of perfection in life, love and happenstance. That I was putting a bow on my packaged up terrible twenties and shipping it via Fedex to the past. Nope. Not happening. I'm pretty much still a disaster.

What have I learned though? I must have learned something through all this analysis! All this time spent blogging. I would say I learned 3 Things:

1) I hate other peoples lists. Lame f'ing Top Ten lists make me want to staple my hand. Yet I continually write my own stupid lists. I'm a total hypocrite.

2) MSN relationship and love advice defies all logic and intelligent thought. If I try to think of the stupidest, most least true solution to love it would be on par with the articles on MSN.

3) I no longer try and make sense of other people's love lives nor my own. We are all totally and uniquely crazy. There are no rules to this. Trying to fit into other people's rules is what ruins everything.

Good news is I've morphed into something else. I loathe to be cheesy, but it's as if I shed a skin and evolved into the next version of me. Ready to endure whatever mess my 30's brings me but with my battle scars reminding me the scrappy fights I fought. Ready to do something. Time to compile all this into a book and make a run for it. Time to start a new blog (because I can't just shut-up completely) Girl Twentiesh doesn't have the voice for. But this rather quirky and undefinable girl in this horrible rotten thing we call life is off to explore and learn more and screw up hopefully less. With many many dirty martinis of course.

Thanks for riding along...

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I Don't Think I Like Bloggers

Watched the movie "Julia & Julia" and now I don't like bloggers. She was so egocentric. So self-involved. Yet, similar to me in the fact that she had attention deficit disorder in life projects. Every time she started something, rarely she'd finish. Then, I started to do the "next blog" tab and saw an alarming amount of blogs written by dark haired females for the sole purpose of showcasing their perfect family of five's day-to-day adventures. Those blogs laughed at me. I almost lost the contents of my stomach when I saw one woman's blog and her "100 Reasons I Love Myself" list. She actually listed 100! Suddenly I hate every list I've ever written.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Moment to Recognize Chronic Cancelers

I would like to take a nice little holiday moment to recognize those whom are Chronic Cancelers.

While it's very convenient for you to book as much as you can in case there is the 2% chance you may actually follow through with your plans, it may shock you to know that this method is not as convenient for those you made plans with. Yes, this is correct, other people might be adversely affected by your actions. You see, on the other side is a person who also has a life! And when you cancel, that leaves them with their own scheduling conflicts to face. That time making up your life? All the creatures of the earth have that. Cancel once and awhile- totally understandable. But when the pattern becomes predictable you become someone who sucks just a little more than you did the last time.

(This is on behalf of all of those disturbed by chronic cancelers, sponsored by people who care).

*Note: I personally get over chronic cancelers after the 3rd offense. Then I just agree to plans but make my own back-up plans based on trending statistics.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Genius Quote of the Day

Comedian Whitney Cummings says via her Twitter account:

"Girls giving each other hi-fives makes me really uncomfortable."

I couldn't agree more Whitney.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Life of a Really Cool Working Girl

30 minute commute (not too bad).
8 hours of work (no break).
60 minute workout (wow do I need a tan).
30 minute commute home.
Construction worker cleaning his work bucket in my shower. Is this standard?
2 more hours of work while Top Chef reunion plays out of focus background to my computer.
Contemplate finishing work, or waking up early? Blog about nothing really important.

Wow. This is what the life of a super cool working girl looks like.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Something to Ponder as You Navigate Relationships

Why is it that relationships feel like such a navigation? No compass to help out you find yourself lost over and over again from wrong turns, miscalculations, booby traps, poor communication and bad directions. Who am I kidding? We're lazy- most of us want a straight up GPS to tell us where it go. Maybe that's why we give up so easily.

Something I heard awhile back, and I can't for the life of me remember where to give proper props to the author of the thought, but that "to know somebody they have to know you back". I can't stop thinking about this. On one hand, it speaks to offering up the correct parts of you to really let someone know you. Not giving the true sense of you won't ever open the true sense of another. It also speaks to a reason to turn back and go another way from a relationship. If that person can't seem to get you no matter how hard you try to explain yourself, you'll never see clearly how to get them. Might be best to change navigation paths.

That's a lot of complex thinking for a Monday night. Clearly I think too much.

A Simple Life

Monday morning has me wondering- can't I just have a simple life? If somebody can fill me in on how to achieve this, I'm all ears.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Yeah...That's Not Working Out For You

Tiny tip....

While trying to pick up a lady, revealing in the most self-pitying manner that you hate your job (that you've been doing 6 years), are depressingly poor, a pessimist, your ankle hurts because you twisted it doing laundry, like to smoke lots of illegal things often and then asking her to make-out is not going to work for you. Time for a new strategy.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Need Help Identifying Big Lies?

In case you are in need of assistance in deciphering and identifying when a big fat lie is coming your way, here is a list of common indicators to help you:
  1. Any statement that begins with, "I really want to, but..."(if they really wanted to, they would)
  2. Claim that "it's natural" (generally used to hide the fact that is not, in fact, natural in act or appearance)
  3. Anti-puff anything (anything claiming to de-puff you is a gross over exaggeration and blatant false advertising)
  4. "I've never done this before" (yes, they have, although I have said this and meant it but I commonly do things I've never done before and then learn to never do them again)
  5. "You look nice today" (commonly used as an empty buffer before asking for or demanding something)

Monday, December 7, 2009

Stopped in My Research Tracks by Frivolity

Earnestly skimming the Internet for ideas and springboards of societal pieces to wax poetic into my eventually finished book about this whole mess of a life of mine, I was stopped in my literary tracks by an obnoxiously beautiful piece of art. Trend jewelry. Of all things. Which, if you saw my jewelry box you'd see half pairs of earrings and pieces my mother left to me.

I don't qualify as a jewelry person. I like it, but am far to choosy to let art haphazardly adorn my bones. But this, oh this, calls to me. This piece beckons my right ring finger with relentless whispers. What does this say about me that my soul ring match is a black onyx?

If you'd like to purchase it for me, David Yurman has it waiting for you (size 5.5 please)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Random Impressive Acts

This past weekend I found myself struck by random acts of impressiveness. The following list summarizes the instances moving my mind the last few days:

1. My friend's ability to small talk with anyone. Staggeringly talented at talking about nothing and everything with all walks of life. At times they look slightly offended, but they're too confused to really understand why.

2. My ability to fume. I was so angry I sat in my jacket at my table for over two hours just fuming. Without moving to my knowledge. Things got dark.

3. The man with a small child on his shoulders who made eye contact with me as he left the restaurant to then come back in, boldly put his card in front of me, and say simply with a smile, "If you'd ever like to go out with me, give me a call." Impressively confident. I of course was wildly embarrassed and I believe just stupidly gazed back in surprise while stammering "thank you" or something equally less impressive.

4. While we're on the subject of men, the French man at the art show who managed to have me fall in love with him after 2 minutes of talking. Never mind his probable wife standing next to him. He smiled at me like he loved me back, and that's the story I'm sticking with in my mind.

5. University of Texas Longhorns' ability to pull off a win in a serious bind. That's my boys.

6. The amount of Swedish Fish I can consume without getting sick of them. They're like crack to me.

7. People who watch the show Dexter. I watched approximately 4 minutes of the first episode and was convinced someone was going to murder me and I turned it off.

And there you have it. Being impressed 7 times in 48 hours is impressive in itself.

Friday, December 4, 2009

I Remember When Friday Used to Mean Something

Remember when Friday used to be a big deal? It meant a break from whatever? Actually I don't think a Friday has really held significant weight in emotional and mental release since high school. Now Friday means I still have work over the weekend, only people are less accessible and I am not necessarily needing to respond immediately. Other than that, it's not like it all disappears over the weekend. It's not like I go into some alternate reality of only fun and games. In fact, if I break completely from it for two days of leisure, I'm often met with a hurricane of stress come Monday morning.

Good news is nobody knows if I'm drunk while working on the weekends...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

So Another Man Cheats on His Wife. Big Deal.

So Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. And the news is what exactly? Am I supposed to be shocked by this? People. When will we accept the biological facts? Men, all men, would love to sleep with as many women as physically possible. This is who they are! Accept it. If I had hot men (which hot to me is unfortunately more complicated than toned bodies and sexy bedroom eyes) I might be hooking up around the world too. I just wouldn't promise with all my heart to a partner that I would stay sexually loyal. Take a man with infinite talent and success rolling around in billions of dollars and you're going to see a man who will be taking advantage of the cocktail waitresses of the world offering themselves up. The foolishness lies in Tiger thinking it wouldn't come out to the media. Now that's the news story. How naive is that? Nobody is safe these days with endless means of social communication- especially not a super celeb.

Now excuse me while I do something more important than discussing celebrity affairs- drink some wine and watch the Top Chef season finale.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What's Better? Hot, Pretty, or Cute?

A couple weeks ago I was involved in a very deep, mind boggling, intense conversation mulling over the following:

Is it better to be hot, pretty, or cute?

You can probably imagine the surroundings for such a philosophical debate- a bar, Wednesday night, 4 to 2 ratio of men vs women, and possibly a round of shots had been consumed. Let me tell you flat out, it's definitely nice to be called any of the above. A friend of mine told a gentlemen once that I thought he was "adequate looking" which when verbalized in no way sounds complimentary. I believe his mouth opened in shock.

But seriously.

If you're called hot, as a woman, doesn't that sound kinda like someone is saying you're good enough to sleep with, but that's just about it? I don't know. I'm pretty sure I can't qualify for that description based on my less than flashy dressing habits, crazy hair, and inability to keep makeup on my face- thus maybe I'm biased. So, I guess if I had to choose a way to be thought of/complimented by the public, "hot" wouldn't be it. Probably not by choice. I mean really. It doesn't make sense to not want to be called hot.

Then there's pretty. That sounds nice. But that's the problem- it just sounds nice. Daisies are pretty. Sunsets are pretty. Stationary is pretty. One of those dudes from Twilight is pretty. Has pretty become a mediocre statement? If by being called "pretty" are you merely "fine" or "pleasant" and the common compliment subject? Maybe if you put pretty in front of hot and called someone "pretty hot" you'd be on to something! Take hot down a notch with a little innocence. Hmm....

And of course cute. The problem with cute is if you get called cute as a standard, you're never taken seriously. You're always the cute one. Like the guy who is always the friend. Cute implies you lack sexuality. But cute can be great when used to describe an action- like, "Girl Twentiesh is so cute when she hangs up the phone, slams it twice, and says f-u to it." Saying an action causes cuteness is a great compliment because it implies behavior leads to attract ability. Therefore in the correct context, cute is good.

So the ultimate best? To be "pretty hot who looks/is so cute when..."

This was all decided until one of the men said honestly, "When I really am in to a girl, I think she's beautiful." Moan. That's a tough standard to ever hit. But- case was quickly settled by all- being called beautiful is definitely the best.