Monday, March 16, 2009

When a Woman Pushes You Out of Her Way to Hit on Your Boyfriend

This past weekend I got to be a roadie. 

My BF manages a musical comedic variety act, so sometimes I am scheduled in to accompanying him to the performance. This weekend we were going to a small little town I had never heard of in which I was also going to meet his grandmother. A double header.
I was pretty excited for the show. The combined elements of a Ballroom Dance Hall (pole barn), bring your own bottle, fire fighter fundraiser, guaranteed attendance by at least three 87 year olds, a meat platter, and the premise of the show being audience participation- you can't get a better people watching environment. When BF's grandma brought a bottle of Crown Royal and the rent-a-cop looked straight out of Dukes of Hazard, I knew things were about to get good. Little did I know that the real show would happen right in front of me.

Midway through the performance I found a very intoxicated woman whispering in my ear, "I love your grandma."And when I say she was a woman, I mean she was not shy of taking full advantage of the tools of self-enhancement a woman can use. Hair. Make-up. Jewelry. Perfume. Cleavage. As I informed her it was in fact BF's grandma, she barely let me finish before zeroing in on BF. I drowned her out as I studied her face. How did she get so much eye shadow on? And is it possible to wear a double layer of fake eyelashes? I don't think that's healthy...

Suddenly I woke out of my perfume drunk trance to realize The Woman has basically shoved me out of the way. My BF used to be standing to my right, The Woman to my left, but now I was standing in back of them both with a side shot of her bosom blocking my view of anything. She was crouching in prime prowling position: rounded butt in the air with an arched back and eye on the prize. My BF. I couldn't even figure out how she managed to get in that position. I turned to look at him, and he just sat there nodding nicely to her, listening to her drunkenly in her most seductive drunk storytelling manner relay the same story incoherently twice. At some point someone will acknowledge me. Nope. Instead I turned into a voyeur. Cougar and BF were in a show of their own, and I was courtside seats. 

I wondered to myself, "Should I be really bothered by this?" 

Here a woman is practically devouring my BF right in front, practically on top, of me. Isn't that at the least a bit disrespectful? I could climb up her hips and scratch her face makeup off, but she might kill be with her jewelry. There was enough metal there to make weapons for an army. However all thoughts of violence went to the wayside when I saw good old Carol. 87 year old Carol with bejeweled hands and a fur lined sweater stared at The Woman in a judgement look that can only be effective by a petite little elderly woman. Carol looked The Woman up and down in disdain, then whispered to her pal Germaine. Grandma got in on the whispering action, and then they all looked to me in camaraderie. These ladies knew what was up. They knew this cougar was trying to snatch my BF right in front of me. Suddenly I didn't need to start a Ballroom Pole Barn fight to stake claim- I had a posse with the combined age of 290. Should things get ugly, I now had canes in my arsenal.

Eventually The Woman moved away after a friend of hers realized me and my posse were staring her down. BF looked at me sheepishly and pulled me in for a hug, unaware of what actually had transpired.  And later, The Woman was crying in a huddle with her friends. Karma.


niksixtyeight said...


Adei von K said...

I don't mess with old ladies. they've lived their life and have nothing to lose!