Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Signs You Should Not Marry

This should be the next reference book. Wikepedia eat your heart out. Think about it- you notice a sign, an inkling, from your significant other and you feel it's a bit odd...a warning sign...that perhaps this isn't the one to marry (if you're into the idea of one marriage). For instance, he takes bubble baths every night while listening to Celine Dion. You find this a bit alarming. You stroll on over to your bookshelf and flip to the Celine Dion section, and next to the heading it reads:

"He might be homosexual, DO NOT MARRY!"

Then you place your book back on the shelf and dust your hands of the whole thing. Finito. On to the next potential. I think this would be really helpful to society. Who has the time for divorce these days? There's no way to fit in daily workouts and episodes of Gossip Girl while dividing up pots & pans.

I bring this up because recently a friend revealed to me a sign that she shouldn't have leapt into marital unbliss. When her ex fella proposed to her- he gave her a scrapbook. That he made. With the special papers. Personally, I would have hightailed it out of there as fast as I could and found the next pub to soak up some testosterone. Call me a crafting racist, but no man should be making scrapbooks. It's just so wrong. A man sitting cross-legged with special zig-zag scissors, old movie stubs and an ice cream napkin from your third date, contemplating between a solid blue border or decoupaging paisley print? And I'm to believe he's interested in girls in the I-want-to-sleep-with-you way rather than I-want-to-shop-with-you way? No way is what I say. You give him that precious scrapbook back and tell him to hide your picture in his bedside stand like any real man masking his sentiments would do. You propose to me and I don't want a freakin' scrapbook. I want you to tell me I'm the goddess of your dreams and you'd die without me. Can you imagine the marriage? Instead of being out of town on weekends to hunt or fish or snowboard, he'd be hauling his scrapbook tote to the Mall of America for the crafters fair.

Alas, after failing to realize this dismal sign, the friend seems to be fairing well. The marriage didn't last, obviously, but I believe she's learned from her mistakes.  Hopefully for the next round she has access to that book.