Monday, March 2, 2009

Wait…Are You Saying I Don’t Have A Job?

Late last week I received an email from my boss reading the following:

                  Please find time to meet with me sometime today.

Ok. Another impromptu meeting with my boss. Nothing out of the ordinary at this particular establishment. Perhaps he wanted to rehash the results of the multiple personality tests he administered, psychoanalyzed by his very non-psychologically certified self, to the company in the last month. He held a particular glee in reading aloud to me that my graph insisted I was “cool and aloof”. Or, maybe he wanted me to rewrite the org chart again. I most definitely lost count after the fifth revision within two months of my employment. With only fifteen employees there weren’t many options left. Most likely he just wanted to give me a special very important project that must be completed by the end of the day of which I would never see a completed purpose for after I had turned in. I had started to suspect my special projects were being somehow reformulated into a way to solve world hunger.

Instead, I was met with a meandering speech with an inconclusive path. Something along the lines of:

Boss: I’ve maxed out the company’s line of credit…I can’t put any more of my own money into the company…it’s funny, but your personality test shows that our personalities conflict…we can’t pay our bills…

Me: So wait, are you telling me I don’t have a job?

Boss: What I’m saying is essentially I can’t pay you.

Me: So, you’re basically telling me I don’t have a job.

Boss: Well, as of Friday (two days from now) I can no longer pay you.

Hmm. Geez, thanks for the two day lead! I’m positive I’ll land a job in the next week amid the greatest unemployment crisis since The Great Depression. Oh, and did you say no severance? Awesome. I mean, come on- who really wants a couple weeks pay? I call it a crutch for the weak. And since I’m not married, that means I can go this alone! Totally stoked, it’s going to be a great personal challenge. I hope the reward is something better than waiting tables at Perkins. The overnight shift since I’m new. I’ll turn my company cell in to you on Monday, just after I figure out I’ll be paying a car payment’s worth for health insurance. You won’t be in on Monday? Because you and the other company owners are going to be in Vegas partying at The Ghost Bar? Surely you’re drinking to your sorrows of not being able to pay me, to wash away the heavy guilt of thrusting me into a zero cash back world…

Important Message About The Circumstances Surrounding This Post: it’s 2:30am on a Sunday and I’m eating organic wheat thins and drinking a Michelob Golden Light because all I can imagine is the man standing in front of me today in Rainbow Foods who used food stamps to purchase a single Cadbury Egg. He ate the entire mystery filling confection before his transaction was even completed.  If this isn’t my horrible rotten no good very bad terrible twenties, I don’t know what is.


DaniColoredGlasses said...

Shut Up!!!!!!!! That's so crazy! And because I work for a small company as well its my greatest warning, just unemployment.
BTW idk what is more concerning, the 230 am post fueled by organic wheat thins and light beer or the cadbury egg/food stamps occurrence.

Anonymous said...

Nicole, you crack me up. Even though it sucks you lost your job--I'm sure you'll find something better and it won't be serving at a Perkins. You could at least aim for the higher-class IHOP.
Hang in there and keep writing!

Anonymous said...

Wow, your old boss sounds like a DICK! You are lucky to be out of there. It doesn't do anyone any good to be around bad people. Congratulations on starting a fresh new chapter in your life! I want to too!