Crazy People (Everyone) Should Have to Pee on a Stick

In the last few weeks I’ve witnessed or been part of the discussion of several unsavory behaviors. Many of these behaviors affecting romantic relations in a heartbreakingly staggering way (shout out to Eggers). Actions that make one squint their eyes in concentration and conclude that a person who can perform such action must be indeed crazy. Crazy.

Such an influx of rampant behaviors swirling around us, my good friend and I decided it’s time for government to step in. Yes, I propose government regulation in the birth of relationships. No, not marriage/divorce. Simply a pee test. Before you get into a serious relationship, you and your chosen must drive on over to your friendly courthouse or scientific lab and pee on a stick. The pee will be analyzed for behaviors, characteristics, strengths and flaws and then a detailed report returned to you. You then read your report, find out that you are scientifically a nag, and then compare to your prospective romantic partner. Here is where you really find out what’s going on. If his report finds that he’s a nag as well, well, it might work out. You’ll nag each other to death, but at least you can’t point fingers. If his says he’ll cheat on you no short of 50 times during your relationship, you can drop him off at the nearest brothel. Unless, of course, you’ve got the 3% gene that says you don’t care if he cheats on you, or the characteristic that says if he takes care of you financially and emotionally, you don’t care what goes on. It would really make things much simpler. And come on- it’d save lives! Look at that football player who got murdered by his crazy mistress. If you’re gonna take a mistress, you better be sure she doesn’t have the crazies.

Look for legislation in a city near you.