Why am I Not Salma Hayek?

Idolization is healthy. Without striving be something you simply can't be, we’d all be stunted into living exactly what nature intended for the human race, basically as Neanderthals. Cole Haan certainly wouldn't exist.

I don’t really understand, however, why I wasn’t born Salma Hayek? Talk about a woman who has got it all going on. We also share a birthday, so I feel that somehow cosmically I could have actually been her. Unfortunately whoever makes those assignments decided to have me born accidentally in a tiny midwestern town in which the only doctor had to be paged from his fishing boat, while Salma was born to a well-to-do Lebanese-Mexican businessman father and opera-singing mother. Then of course to point out the obvious, she’s ridiculously beautiful. Anyone who doesn’t see this is clearly asexual. I look relatively good maybe 3 out of 7 days.

Beyond her beauty Salma possesses great smarts. She produced and starred in “Frida”, a huge hit and nominated for multiple Oscars. She’s rumored to be dyslexic, which would make line memorizing pretty difficult. I produced a documentary, yet I was so nervous at the screening I had to leave the room. Afterwards I was so sick of the dang thing rather than shopping it out, I hid it in a closet for a year. Funny, they don’t give out Oscars to films never seen. Then I had a mirror shatter on my head and cause nerve damage in my left hand (which I use to write), thus I had to complete finals with my right hand. That’s kind of like being dyslexic, but way more embarrassing.

Everyone says Salma has sass and passion. She stands up for what she believes and acts the way she wants to act. I am also told I’m sassy, but the appointment is usually followed with a less flattering description of bossy and difficult. Apparently you need a cute accent and size 36C to be considered good sassy.

Fast-forward to what’s going on with Salma today, well, things are looking better and better for the Mexican goddess. She has the most adorable little girl and just married the father, a French billionaire. Yes, BILLIONAIRE. I can’t even fathom what that means. I don’t even understand how people afford cable and Internet. And last, but certainly not least, she has a recurring guest role on “30 Rock”. That means she gets to be with Tina Fey, and Tiny Fey is the other woman I want to be. And I felt this way years before everybody jumped on the Tina bandwagon for her Palin schtick.

In summary, Salma Hayek clearly has the perfect life. I will continue to admire her via People.com and E News, and hopefully be inspired to become all that I can be. I’m going to guess marrying the owner of Gucci is out, since she already did so...